"if you cared enough"
this post has been pending for some time now but somehow never got around to penning it down until now...
'n the list goes on...
"if you cared enough, then you would/wouldn't have done this...", will probably be the standard template for one of the most uttered dialogs during(causing?) disagreements in any relationship.
Its a loaded statement, often intended to induce guilt and remorse in the other person, used with care you can achieve the results that you want through it. But it can also be a very damage causing statement in a relationship, more so when its not voiced out 'n is eating away at your heart. And whats worse is the other person would've no clue whats eating you.
Now, the answer to why this statement arises is no rocket science - mismatch of expectations due to miscommunication. Well, expectations is a big topic in itself...hmm...i rem writing on it during some unix class in engineering :D, should go search if i still have it... darn so much for my resolution to not get side-tracked :(
Coming back, at the root of it is the every human's innate need to be cared for. Don't all of us just love the notion of having someone to care for us? Seriously its amazing how so many people base their life actions on this. For eg: I often hear my smoker friends saying that they wouldn't smoke(so much) if they had a girl friend. The powerful idea to be noted here is that if someone was there to care then they would go to great lengths to please or not disappoint them.
Its another matter that personally i don't understand it at all, how you can give up smoking for a girlfriend but not for parents. Actually forget parents also, i feel if at all you want to give up smoking it should come from within, from self-love and nothing else. If you really like smoking and don't care a fig for your health then please go ahead and continue to smoke. To give it up for someone else is as insane an idea as say the idea to give up chocolates for someone else if you were a chocolate lover...
Hmm...before i got sidetracked yet again with that smoking bit...we were talking about caring. I love chocolates but don't care for them. On the other hand if you cared for the environment you wouldn't use plastic bags. It doesn't take much to get that its not love but caring that drives any relationship.
Yeah 'm not talking anything new in here that you didn't already know but what amazes is how many of us are still prey to it...he he, talking of prey, reminded me of something i had blogged long time back -
Anyways ending with the ending dialog of many such if you care discussions-
which results in a stalemate and from caring it then enters into the compromise domain.
if you cared enough
you would have remembered
you wouldn't have done it
you wouldn't have said that
you would have called
you wouldn't have left
'n the list goes on...
"if you cared enough, then you would/wouldn't have done this...", will probably be the standard template for one of the most uttered dialogs during(causing?) disagreements in any relationship.
Its a loaded statement, often intended to induce guilt and remorse in the other person, used with care you can achieve the results that you want through it. But it can also be a very damage causing statement in a relationship, more so when its not voiced out 'n is eating away at your heart. And whats worse is the other person would've no clue whats eating you.
Now, the answer to why this statement arises is no rocket science - mismatch of expectations due to miscommunication. Well, expectations is a big topic in itself...hmm...i rem writing on it during some unix class in engineering :D, should go search if i still have it... darn so much for my resolution to not get side-tracked :(
Coming back, at the root of it is the every human's innate need to be cared for. Don't all of us just love the notion of having someone to care for us? Seriously its amazing how so many people base their life actions on this. For eg: I often hear my smoker friends saying that they wouldn't smoke(so much) if they had a girl friend. The powerful idea to be noted here is that if someone was there to care then they would go to great lengths to please or not disappoint them.
Its another matter that personally i don't understand it at all, how you can give up smoking for a girlfriend but not for parents. Actually forget parents also, i feel if at all you want to give up smoking it should come from within, from self-love and nothing else. If you really like smoking and don't care a fig for your health then please go ahead and continue to smoke. To give it up for someone else is as insane an idea as say the idea to give up chocolates for someone else if you were a chocolate lover...
Hmm...before i got sidetracked yet again with that smoking bit...we were talking about caring. I love chocolates but don't care for them. On the other hand if you cared for the environment you wouldn't use plastic bags. It doesn't take much to get that its not love but caring that drives any relationship.
Yeah 'm not talking anything new in here that you didn't already know but what amazes is how many of us are still prey to it...he he, talking of prey, reminded me of something i had blogged long time back -
now that is a nice solution, if you could adopt it... :)"Embrace apathy,
You will feel better"
Anyways ending with the ending dialog of many such if you care discussions-
"If you cared, you would understand"
which results in a stalemate and from caring it then enters into the compromise domain.
posted by Puthali at 8:30 pm
3comentarios:
If you cared for the environment, you would've known this
:p.
If you cared enough about your resolutions, you would keep them..
chocolate being an aphrodisiac etc etc brings to the fore, the idea of opportunity cost and all these "if there was someone to care" scenarios. Whatever they may say, people are acting selfishly - trying to maximize utility out of fixed amount of resource(time)
he he....'m not disappointed, i did expect tht comment on environment when i wrote it...ofcourse i know abt it, thats why if you notice i said if you cared, you wouldn't use plastic bags, not you would use paper bags...'n its limiting to think tht only those two comprise the whole set...i could've probably written more but didn't want the post to become one abt environment...one eg of me sticking to the resolution :P
'n yea wht do they say abt resolutions...that they are meant to be broken ;) :D
hmm...nvr knew choc did all that :P
but i think you meant nicotine...? 'coz that 'if there was someone to care', i was quoting my smoker friends, couple of days back another friend was giving the same reason...infact thats what made me penn this down finally...
'n yea everyone is selfish...just tht wht they r selfish in differs...
I want to post this comment for a long long time.. unfortunately cudn't.. but somehow felt like my responsiblity to do so..
since other parts of the blog are already commented, I want to touch on the smoker part.(its like an arrow shot at me)
Smoker ppl actually take care for everyone u mentioned.. parents, gfs and wives. They care enough for their parents by not telling them and hurting them. They can live without it.
Since a galfrend already knows everything abt u, u wud want to give it up if she wants to,since u don't want to hurt her (unless u have second thoughts abt her :P)
if she's cool with tht, WOW!! - a highway to quicker death ;)
And yes, u can go ahead and smoke, no matter who thinks what, but when there are safe options to do the same, why do u want to do that by hurting everybody?
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